You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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