based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
