bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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