8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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