What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
