In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
