I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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