I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
