Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
