now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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