i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Boobs speak an international language.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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