I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
