can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize