Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
