I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
