I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
