I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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