well I can't set my house on fire every night
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
