Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
