Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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