I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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