Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
