Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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