Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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