I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
