I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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