So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
