We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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