I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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