I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
