I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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