you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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