You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
