I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
