Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
