you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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