i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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