Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
