Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
