My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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