listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
