Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
