It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
