she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
