I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
