My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
