No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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