I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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