There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
