The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
