what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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