Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
did i walk over a car last night?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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