i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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