I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
