Just fell off a train. Bad.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
