my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
