Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
