I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
