the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
