I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
