then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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