i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
