Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize