Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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