btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
