i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
