I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
