The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
