soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
