Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
