I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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