i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Randomize
