Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
